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Humor

Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein:

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"The only real valuable thing is intuition."
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
"God is subtle but he is not malicious."
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

"When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always." -Rita Rudner

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair." - Thom Sharp

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select Miss America, we get 50." - Jay Leng

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

"Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin

George washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America were named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?

"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." - Bette Midler

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H.L. Mencken

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright

Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

What if there were no hypothetical questions? Imagine that.

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"The only real valuable thing is intuition."

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."